Why we can't find Osama Bin Laden

Can't find the guy for years now. A zillion Rangers, Green Berets and SEALS in Afghanistan and we can't find him. I know why. The shaggy haired, goat smellin', sheet wearin' punk read MOH's book "How To Shake Your Husband While Shopping" . I was determined to keep my eye on her since "We're not gonna be long". Did pretty well for 5 to 6 minutes. In that space of time she felt, or more appropriately fondled and caressed, 38 different items; none of which she needed, used or had any intention of buying. She points to me indicating "I'm going down this aisle". The aisle is 12 feet long. I walk parallel to her in the next aisle. Get to the end and she is gone. Gone like a good idea. 15 minutes later my phone rings. "where are YOU?" Me? Where are YOU?? I'm where you ditched me, between the rice pasta and mincemeat Christmas balls. Where else would I be. This happens another 3 times. I got a glance from another guy 4 aisles away who just gave me the old, "me too buddy" look. My Christmas shopping is now officially over. Maybe if I dropped her in Kabul she'd find Osama in aisle 6 next to the goat bibs and taco sauce.